1 00:00:09,570 --> 00:00:11,930 Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper! 2 00:00:20,470 --> 00:00:23,450 And now, ladies and gentlemen, without any more ado, and believe me, there is 3 00:00:23,450 --> 00:00:26,650 plenty more ado to come, meet the star of our show, Tommy Cooper! 4 00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:44,580 What do you mean, come on? Just come on. 5 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:05,800 I was having a drink just before the show, and a man said to me, he said, do 6 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:06,860 always drink whiskey neat? 7 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:12,000 I said, no, I don't. Sometimes I don't wear a tie. I have a shirt hanging. 8 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,620 Now, here's a magic wand. There's a white tip here and a white tip there. 9 00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:24,340 Now, the reason for the white tips is to separate the end from the centre. 10 00:01:27,660 --> 00:01:28,660 I get worse. 11 00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:31,920 Look, it clings to my hand. See that? It can't fall down. 12 00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:33,180 Got my finger there. 13 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,100 The vanishing wand. 14 00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:40,740 Holy wand. 15 00:01:47,620 --> 00:01:51,640 This wand was vanishing from your very eyes. 16 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,320 Just like a flash of light. 17 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:57,920 Sully wand. 18 00:02:10,220 --> 00:02:13,600 I was walking on the other night, and I had two grips with me, see? 19 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,900 And... Two grips. 20 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,760 And a policeman had stopped me. 21 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,840 When they could do that, they're allowed to do that. 22 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:24,920 Oh, my teeth itch. 23 00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:30,340 And it was a bit harsh. He said to me, what have you got on that grip there? 24 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,480 I said, I've got sugar from a tea. 25 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,980 He said, what have you got on the other one? I said, sugar from a coffee. 26 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,800 And he took his trenchant out, and he went, boom! 27 00:02:39,780 --> 00:02:40,780 There's a lump for your cocoa. 28 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:06,980 My wife sent him this this morning. 29 00:03:07,550 --> 00:03:09,110 She said, you're driving me to my grave. 30 00:03:09,970 --> 00:03:11,330 I had the car out in two minutes. 31 00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:18,070 This is an old joke. 32 00:03:19,010 --> 00:03:20,590 No, this is an old joke. Old joke, this. 33 00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:27,590 It was prehistoric, prehistoric, rather. 34 00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:31,110 Two men, two men, prehistoric men, see. 35 00:03:31,650 --> 00:03:34,930 And they're sitting outside the caves and they're eating some dinosaur 36 00:03:34,930 --> 00:03:35,930 sandwiches. 37 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,520 With some pickles. 38 00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:41,720 A little salad. 39 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:46,220 And then one thought he'd tell a joke to the other one. 40 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:52,640 So he went... And the other 41 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:57,000 went... 42 00:04:08,340 --> 00:04:09,660 And the other one said, I heard it. 43 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:21,740 Do you know, I'd done magic when I was eight years old. When I was 44 00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:23,060 eight, I was given a bicycle as a present. 45 00:04:23,660 --> 00:04:27,080 And I've gone along on this bike very fast, and I knocked an old lady down. 46 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,180 She didn't like it. 47 00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,960 And she got up and she said to me, can't you ring your bell? 48 00:04:33,450 --> 00:04:35,050 I was like, I'll ring the bell, but I can't ride the bike. 49 00:04:41,470 --> 00:04:45,030 And I'm going along again, very fast, always fast. 50 00:04:45,230 --> 00:04:46,230 I was always fast. 51 00:04:47,970 --> 00:04:49,070 And I fell off. 52 00:04:50,930 --> 00:04:52,810 And when I got up, my arm was like that. 53 00:04:54,490 --> 00:04:55,950 It didn't look right to me, you know what I mean? 54 00:04:58,450 --> 00:05:00,730 So I went to the doctors. He said, that's not right. 55 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,660 I said, it's funny you said that. I said that. 56 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,740 I said, what is it? He said, your left arm. I said, I know that. 57 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,540 I said, well, when it's mended, can I play the piano? 58 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:15,759 He said, yes. 59 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,020 I said, that's funny, I could play it before. 60 00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:28,340 I invented this. 61 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,840 You know sometimes when you go to the cinema and people are behind you and 62 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:35,840 talking. 63 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:36,960 Am I right? 64 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:38,720 That's true, isn't it? 65 00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:41,660 See, so... I'll put that on, I know. 66 00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:50,420 So I can listen to the film. 67 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,540 And if the film's not all that good, I can listen to the conversation. 68 00:06:07,210 --> 00:06:08,210 Vanishing cigar. 69 00:06:38,510 --> 00:06:39,510 Do me the shock, Susie, now. 70 00:06:41,910 --> 00:06:44,950 See the stairs with the plates on there? Watch it very, very closely. Here we 71 00:06:44,950 --> 00:06:45,950 go. 72 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:52,440 What a father 73 00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:09,670 And there'll be more from the man himself a little bit later on in the 74 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,610 Well, they do say, ladies and gentlemen, that you don't have to be big to be 75 00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:15,430 beautiful. And here is a young lady who proves the truth of that particular 76 00:08:15,430 --> 00:08:19,430 thing. The lovely Lindsay DePaul. So if you're ready, Lindsay, let's boogie. Is 77 00:08:19,430 --> 00:08:20,409 that an invitation? 78 00:08:20,410 --> 00:08:21,410 It's certainly a sweetheart. 79 00:08:21,530 --> 00:08:22,530 Okay. 80 00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:35,049 I used to read it in my paperback books. 81 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:39,740 But not the look. 82 00:08:40,539 --> 00:08:44,100 I never knew what I had missed. 83 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,500 But they never said that it would be like this. 84 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,960 I used to watch it in the picture show. 85 00:10:22,350 --> 00:10:25,050 you can moralize as much as you please. 86 00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:58,590 I want to speak to Inspector Smith. 87 00:13:01,310 --> 00:13:02,790 Is that your inspector? 88 00:13:03,690 --> 00:13:04,690 Well, it's me. 89 00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:09,210 You know me, don't you? 90 00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:13,910 Listen, I've got the news you wanted. 91 00:13:14,370 --> 00:13:15,990 I can tell you who the killer is. 92 00:13:17,190 --> 00:13:24,110 The killer's name is... The killer's name 93 00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:25,110 is... 94 00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:42,610 I'll ring you back later. There's too much noise in here. 95 00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:42,030 Thank you very much indeed. Good evening, Tommy. Good evening, David. 96 00:16:42,230 --> 00:16:45,350 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I welcome you once again to Fez to Fez. 97 00:16:45,530 --> 00:16:49,190 Well, as you see on the table in front of us here, we have a box full of hats. 98 00:16:49,290 --> 00:16:52,450 And to my mind, this means that Tommy's going to do one of his classic poems 99 00:16:52,450 --> 00:16:54,950 using all the hats. Is that right, Tommy? No. 100 00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:01,790 Oh. Well, Tommy's not going to do one of his classic poems using all the hats. 101 00:17:01,930 --> 00:17:02,909 You were nearly right. 102 00:17:02,910 --> 00:17:04,170 Oh, thank goodness for that. 103 00:17:05,930 --> 00:17:08,210 And because hats today are out of fashion, aren't they? 104 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:09,279 Well, absolutely. 105 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,760 I mean, personally, I never wear a hat. 106 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,060 Well, how could you with all that hair? How could you wear a hat? 107 00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:19,040 I mean, it's like these test triggers, isn't it? 108 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,160 I mean, they'd wear long hair like that, didn't they? 109 00:17:23,260 --> 00:17:24,420 Put the cap on like that, look. 110 00:17:28,980 --> 00:17:30,500 See, and they'd go into bed like that, didn't they? 111 00:17:31,380 --> 00:17:32,400 I'm all right, it's true, isn't it? 112 00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:33,940 It is true. 113 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,340 Well, actually, come to think of it, they do look a bit ridiculous. But 114 00:17:37,580 --> 00:17:38,740 Women love to wear hats. 115 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,200 I'm glad you said that. 116 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:42,320 Well, in this interview, I'm glad to say anything. 117 00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:48,320 Well, as a matter of fact, women can only wear hats on two special occasions, 118 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:49,480 really. Really? When's that? 119 00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:52,440 Well, at, er... weddings. 120 00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:00,620 And Ascot. 121 00:18:09,290 --> 00:18:12,390 You know, Tommy, you've touched on a very profound subject there. Tell me, 122 00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:15,990 exactly is your psychological explanation of tonsorial decoration? 123 00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:17,550 It's a funny joke. 124 00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:22,650 Hello, hello. 125 00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:24,230 What's all this here? 126 00:18:28,410 --> 00:18:30,110 You get that? What's all this here? 127 00:18:30,590 --> 00:18:36,850 I can see that you enjoy being a... I said I can see you enjoy being a 128 00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:38,470 Oh, I'd rather be a singer. 129 00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:39,860 A singer? Yes. 130 00:18:39,940 --> 00:18:42,000 Do you mean a... Can I borrow one of your hats? 131 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:47,960 Go ahead. Do you mean a... Strangers in the night, two lonely people, strangers 132 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,420 in the night, until the moment we were sharing love? 133 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:58,180 Type of singer. Or, on the other hand, you may mean a... Type 134 00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:03,860 of singer. 135 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:13,680 I like a type that can sing. 136 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,420 Sorry about that. Oh, I've got to giggle over that one. 137 00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:22,760 Oh, I've got to giggle. 138 00:19:23,220 --> 00:19:26,280 Go ahead. 139 00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:27,740 So you prefer the type who can sing? 140 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,180 Yes. Well... I'd like to sing with you. You would? 141 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,239 I would. 142 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:32,240 You'd make me sound good. 143 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,900 What I don't understand is, Tommy, I don't understand why you would rather be 144 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:38,940 singer than a comedian. 145 00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:40,880 Well, they've got it made easy, haven't they? 146 00:19:41,230 --> 00:19:44,190 I mean, I see he comes out and he sings a song and they say encore one more 147 00:19:44,190 --> 00:19:46,490 time. And he does the same song all over again. 148 00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:49,910 And you can't do that with a joke? Well, you can't tell the same joke twice, can 149 00:19:49,910 --> 00:19:51,790 you? Well, how do you know? You've never tried it. 150 00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:53,390 That's true. 151 00:19:53,710 --> 00:19:56,350 Well, I'll tell you what. That is a true statement. 152 00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:57,629 Absolutely right. 153 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,870 I'll tell you what. Why don't you try it tonight? 154 00:20:00,550 --> 00:20:01,570 I will. Right. 155 00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:03,870 Tell the same joke twice. All right. 156 00:20:04,510 --> 00:20:06,730 I bet you can't do it. I will. 157 00:20:07,090 --> 00:20:09,390 Right. It's just faith in it, see? 158 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,660 What, is there anything in the box? I don't know. 159 00:20:18,060 --> 00:20:19,500 That is 16th century. 160 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,700 Why did you give him this hat? Why did you give him that? 161 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,040 I told you to give him the white hat. It's nothing to do with me. I did put 162 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,100 hat on. I said, give him the white hat. Don't give him this moody hat. 163 00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:29,380 I didn't put the hat on. 164 00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:33,940 I said, make sure. I've got to take the hat. Well, they give me the hat. I can't 165 00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:34,940 do anything about it, can I? 166 00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:39,180 I asked for a bowler hat and I got this. 167 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,000 I mean, the joke's a joke, isn't it? 168 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,120 Get it right next time. Yeah, right. 169 00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:48,340 What was I talking about? 170 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:52,660 The 16th century faith healer. So this faith healer, you see, he said to this 171 00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:53,860 man, how's your brother? 172 00:20:54,840 --> 00:21:00,080 And this man said... He said, he's ill. 173 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:05,600 See? And this faith healer said, no, no, no, no. 174 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,300 He only thinks he's ill. 175 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,100 He said, no, he's ill. He looks ill. He looks ill. 176 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,180 He's not really ill. 177 00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:21,820 See? 178 00:21:22,460 --> 00:21:24,660 So two weeks later, the faith is in him. 179 00:21:24,940 --> 00:21:27,080 Met him again, see? And he said, how's your brother? 180 00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:29,420 And he said, he thinks he's dead. 181 00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:33,380 Encore! Encore! 182 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,360 Encore! I like it. I like it. 183 00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:40,540 Tell you what, now. All you've got to do is do it again. 184 00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:42,159 Do it again? 185 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,920 Do it again. Change the lyrics a bit. Alter the key. You've got a winner. Do 186 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:46,920 again. 187 00:21:54,629 --> 00:21:59,610 And she said... Up a bit. A bit more. 188 00:21:59,850 --> 00:22:00,269 A bit higher. 189 00:22:00,270 --> 00:22:01,270 All right. 190 00:22:02,850 --> 00:22:05,610 She said... I hurt myself then. 191 00:22:07,330 --> 00:22:11,310 She said to this lady, see, how's your sister? 192 00:22:15,150 --> 00:22:17,590 And she said, she's ill. 193 00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:19,250 See? 194 00:22:19,530 --> 00:22:21,210 And she said, no, no, no. 195 00:22:22,380 --> 00:22:23,920 She only thinks she's ill. 196 00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:27,300 No, dear, she's ill. 197 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:30,640 No, no, no. 198 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,140 She only thinks she's ill. 199 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,200 She's ill. 200 00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:41,040 That's nothing to do with me, that. 201 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:49,120 So two weeks, two weeks later, she met her again. 202 00:22:49,980 --> 00:22:50,980 And she said, 203 00:22:51,660 --> 00:22:56,520 sister and she said she's fine but my brother still thinks he's dead 204 00:23:21,550 --> 00:23:23,210 In that case, there was only one thing to do. What's that?